The Trouble with Talking Swords

Owning a talking magic sword sounds exciting, prestigious, and endlessly entertaining. Never adventure alone! Be the envy of your magicless friends! Until you discover the sword has a personality. And a mouth that never shuts.

Every adventurer dreams of owning a magic sword. A magnificent weapon forged by ancient masters, enchanted with remarkable power, and destined to perform heroic deeds.

But there’s something the bards rarely mention about intelligent swords. Some of them are incredibly annoying.

Sure, a talking sword might warn you of approaching danger, reveal ancient secrets, or offer valuable advice in battle. Unfortunately, it might also criticize your haircut, complain about your personal hygiene, or spend three hours explaining why its previous owner was better than you.

And you can’t exactly tell it to shut up. Well, you can. But that rarely helps.

Here are some of the sword personalities you should consider avoiding, no matter how bejeweled their hilts or how rune-etched their blades.

The Know-It-All

This sword has an opinion about everything – your opponents, your comrades-in-arms, and your swordsmanship. Especially your swordsmanship.

“Your stance is wrong,” it will offer unbidden.

“You’re leaving your left side exposed.”

“Was that supposed to be a parry? I’ve seen better footwork by a drunken goblin.”

Admittedly, the sword has likely survived centuries of combat in the hands of veteran champions and probably knows what it’s talking about. That doesn’t make it any less irritating.

The Coward

Some magic swords thirst for battle. Others would prefer to remain safely tucked inside their scabbards.

The Coward screams whenever an enemy approaches, begs you to reconsider every confrontation, and occasionally refuses to be drawn.

“There are six of them! SIX! We should surrender!”

This is especially embarrassing when you’re facing a lone kobold.

The Glory Hound

This sword considers itself the greatest weapon ever forged and expects everyone else to know and, most importantly, agree. Unfortunately, it also believes every encounter deserves a dramatic introduction, as pompous as any royal herald’s proclamation.

“BEHOLD! I AM DOOMBRINGER, SCOURGE OF THE SHADOW REALM, SLAYER OF A THOUSAND FOES!”

Which is impressive. Unless one has to say it oneself, about oneself. Or when you’re trying to sneak past a sleeping dragon.

The Drama Queen

Every minor inconvenience becomes an epic tragedy.

A nick in its blade? A grievous wound.

A little rust? The slow decay of a once-mighty champion.

Being returned to its scabbard without sharpening? An unforgivable betrayal.

And don’t even think about using it to cut firewood. No whetstone will buff that out… or erase the memory of such humiliation.

The Chatterbox

Like its better-known cousin, the Singing Sword, the Chatterbox never stops talking. It talks during breakfast. It talks while you’re traveling. It talks while you’re trying to sleep.

It tells jokes, sings old battle hymns, and recounts every adventure it’s experienced over the past eight hundred years. All in considerable, painstaking detail.

Some adventurers have resorted to wrapping their swords in blankets to muffle the noise. Unfortunately, that only makes them talk louder.

The Obsessive

“King Alaric never held me like that.”

“King Alaric polished me after every battle.”

“King Alaric defeated an entire army with me, you know.”

Of course you know! The (obsessed) sword has regaled you with tales about King Alaric approximately four thousand times – in just this past fortnight alone!

By now, you understand precisely why King Alaric had decided against being buried with his talking sword.

The Pacifist

Perhaps the most frustrating of all talking swords is the one that has inexplicably developed a moral objection to violence. Have you ever heard of anything more preposterous?!

First, it refuses to strike disadvantaged opponents – the tired, the injured, the recently disarmed. Then opponents with hangnails. Eventually, all opponents.

“Have you considered resolving this conflict over biscuits and tea?”

Unfortunately, the ogre that’s currently trying to eat you doesn’t seem interested in discussing changes to the menu.

Choose Your Sword Carefully

An intelligent sword can be a loyal companion, a trusted adviser, and a powerful weapon against the forces of darkness.

Or it can be an insufferable nuisance that you take everywhere strapped to your hip.

Before purchasing one, be sure to ask why its previous owner was willing to part with it. And if the merchant offers you a substantial discount because the sword “has a lot of character,” walk away.

Preferably before it starts yapping.