After centuries of being labeled thieves and looters, goblins are demanding professional recognition. And they may have a point.
Goblins have had enough. For centuries, they’ve been accused of stealing valuables, looting abandoned properties, and making off with anything that isn’t nailed down.
Today, a newly formed goblin association is demanding an end to these unfair accusations.
“We are not thieves,” declared a spokesperson for the Association of Independent Treasure Acquisition Specialists. “We are hardworking professionals who provide a valuable service.”
When asked what that service entails, the spokesperson replied, “Finding things.”
A Question of Professional Standards
The goblins argue that treasure acquisition is a time-honored and respected profession. Just ask the adventurers who do it all the time. A knight enters an ancient tomb uninvited, defeats its guardians, and carries away a priceless jeweled crown. He’s celebrated as a brave hero.
On the other hand, when a goblin enters a private residence, slips past security guards, and acquires a valuable family heirloom without hurting anyone, he’s labeled a thief.
What exactly is the difference, the goblins would like to know. Make it make sense.
Naturally the Adventurers’ Guild insists that its members follow strict professional standards. The goblins have requested a copy of these standards, but so far, none has been provided. The Guild claims the official document has vanished.
What Exactly Counts as Abandoned Treasure?
The association has proposed a new legal definition of abandoned property. Under its guidelines, any valuable object not currently being held, worn, eaten, or actively ogled may be considered available for acquisition.
Homeowners have expressed concern that this definition would include nearly everything in their houses. The goblins disagree.
“Not everything,” their spokesperson clarified. “Only valuable loot.”
As a gesture of goodwill, the association has agreed to prohibit members from removing possessions from sleeping individuals. Unless those individuals have been asleep for a very long time. The association maintains that such an exception is necessary to preserve traditional tomb-raiding practices.
A Growing Political Controversy
The Royal Merchants’ Association has condemned the proposal, warning that legalized goblin treasure acquisition could devastate local businesses.
The goblins argue that merchants would actually benefit from increased demand for replacement merchandise, citing “job creation” and “economic reinvestment.”
Meanwhile, the Adventurers’ Guild has threatened to withdraw its support for the proposed legislation. The goblins have responded by asking whether the guild’s headquarters is currently occupied.
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This is great! Is the guild’s headquarters currently occupied. Too funny!