Halloween is supposed to be a night of frights and fun. Unfortunately, nobody bothered to ask the dragons.
Dragons have a reputation for being grumpy, territorial, and occasionally dangerous. But can you blame them?
Every October 31, their peaceful lives are disrupted by noisy children, ridiculous costumes, and witches asking for body parts.
We’ve compiled ten reasons why dragons would prefer to skip Halloween altogether.
1. Trick-or-Treaters at the Lair
There’s a reason dragons build their lairs in remote mountains, deep forests, and inaccessible caverns.
Peace and quiet.
They don’t appreciate having their solitude interrupted every five minutes by costumed children shouting, “Trick or treat!”
Especially when the nearest village is forty miles away.
How did these children even get here?
And why do they keep coming back?
One would think the smoking remains of the welcome mat would be a sufficient hint.
2. Insulting Dragon Costumes
Plastic wings. Floppy tails. Ridiculous little horns.
Some costumes don’t even have scales!
Dragons have spent centuries cultivating an image of terrifying majesty, only to see themselves represented by a $19.99 outfit with a zipper on the belly.
And don’t get them started on the children dressed as cute, smiling baby dragons.
Dragons have feelings, you know – dark, mysterious, misunderstood feelings.
Well, those and pride, mostly, but still.
3. Being Asked to Light Jack-o’-Lanterns
Dragon fire can melt stone, incinerate armies, and reduce fortified castles to smoking ruins.
It is not a convenient substitute for a box of matches.
Nevertheless, every Halloween, people incessantly ask dragons to light jack-o’-lanterns.
“Just a little puff of flame, please.”
Unfortunately, a little puff of dragon fire tends to leave nothing behind but a scorch mark and the faint smell of roasted pumpkin seeds.
After that, people always complain.
4. Inflatable Lawn Dragons
Nothing offends a dragon’s dignity quite like seeing an enormous, brightly colored inflatable cartoon version of itself smiling foolishly on someone’s front lawn.
These ridiculous creatures wobble in the slightest breeze, have absolutely no fire-breathing ability, and collapse into shapeless heaps whenever a mere human unplugs them. Humiliating!
Real dragons consider inflatables an insult to their entire species. Although watching them deflate can be strangely satisfying.
5. Fake Dragon Eggs
Pumpkins are roughly the size and shape of dragon eggs. This presents a serious problem every Halloween, particularly for broody dragons looking for a suitable place to nest.
Each year, dozens of confused egg-sitters settle onto suburban porches, carefully incubating what they believe to be abandoned dragon eggs.
Some remain there for days.
The situation becomes particularly embarrassing when a dragon finally realizes she’s been trying to hatch a jack-o’-lantern.
Especially one with a face carved into it.
6. Being Mistaken for a Dinosaur
Dragons are intelligent, magical, fire-breathing creatures with a legendary history.
Dinosaurs are oversized reptiles that went extinct.
The comparison is insulting.
Yet every Halloween, some child inevitably points at a magnificent dragon and shouts, “Look! A T. rex!”
WINGS, PEOPLE! WINGS!
Even worse, throughout the spooky season, dragons repeatedly hear, “Awesome costume! Can we get a selfie?”
It’s enough to make a dragon consider eating the photographer. Although admittedly, dragons are usually considering that anyway. They don’t need an extra excuse!
7. Uninvited Ghosts
Dragons are accustomed to dealing with intruders. Knights, thieves, and treasure hunters can usually be discouraged with a little fire or a flash of fang.
Ghosts are another matter, and they get especially riled up on Halloween.
They float through cavern walls, rattle chains, and rearrange carefully stacked treasure. Humans complain when ghosts open their kitchen cabinets at night. Pssh! Imagine every treasure chest in your lair overturned, its contents spilled across the chamber.
Ghosts have no respect for private property, and breathing fire at them accomplishes absolutely nothing.
Worst of all, some of them want to talk.
For hours.
About how they died.
As if you don’t already know darn well how, why, and when. It’s your lair, after all.
8. Witches Borrowing Dragon Ingredients
Dragons expect visitors to try stealing their treasure. They don’t expect visitors to try stealing them.
Yet every Halloween, witches arrive looking for dragon scales, claws, teeth, and occasionally a vial of dragon blood.
One particularly impertinent witch even asked whether a dragon would mind donating his tail.
The dragon suggested she try collecting her ingredients from a live volcano instead.
9. Halloween Food Is Terrible
Dragons aren’t particularly picky eaters, but Halloween presents some unusual culinary challenges.
Costumed children are practically inedible. Plastic masks, cardboard armor, synthetic wigs, safety pins, tape, and glue. It’s enough to ruin anyone’s appetite.
And the candy those children collect isn’t much better. The little bite-sized treats are just the right size to get wedged between dragon fangs.
Some dragons spend weeks trying to cough them up, hacking and wheezing like enormous cats with hairballs. Imagine being the most fearsome creature in the kingdom and getting defeated by a so-called “fun-sized” Snickers.
10. Halloween Is Ruining the Treasure Market
Every October, the market is flooded with counterfeit gold coins, plastic gemstones, imitation crowns, and other worthless trinkets.
Dragons spend centuries accumulating genuine treasure, only to have their carefully guarded hoards contaminated by cheap Halloween merchandise.
The worst offenders are those gold-foil-wrapped chocolate pirate coins. Leave a pile near a dragon’s favorite sleeping spot, and you’ll wake up in a puddle of melted chocolate.
Most frustrating of all, some young dragons have started collecting them.
Standards are really slipping among the younger generation.
So if you happen to encounter a dragon this Halloween, show a little consideration.
Don’t insult its appearance, ask for body parts, or mistake its eggs for pumpkins.
And above all, leave it alone.
Unless, of course, you’re bringing genuine gold. Dragons always make exceptions for gold.
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Poor dragons!
Maybe they need to suck it up one night a year? 😀